Falling Down on the Job

10.08.15

I have had an epiphany.

I know what is stuck in my mind, my mental makeup that keeps me where I am. I know this because I have avoided it as a metaphor in my previous discussions of my circumstances. Oh, I searched for words connected with my disability that might illuminate the message my body was delivering, but I never hit upon the phrase now I employ as a title. When it came to me, the entire situation became crystal-clear:

My deep-seated fear of inadequacy is at the core of all this. Now I can work on the replacing of that fear and truly begin to heal my Being.

Falling has been a persistent threat for me and I marvel at the stubborn refusal I have exhibited in my failure to recognize and pay attention to the message my body has been fairly screaming at me, "You're worried about falling down on the job!" I'd danced around the issue in past entries, but the absolute fitness of the metaphor lends certainty to my understanding.

I wish now to undo the damage I've allowed with this thinking. I want to change my mind, rewire the circuits so that I can get on with life. This is easier said than done since I've been thinking this way for a long time and rewiring a well-worn mental treadmark requires patience and persistence.

11.12.31

The above mental work has kept me away from this entry for more than a year now. A series of MRIs and a subsequent diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis contributed to my reluctance to treat the subject plainly and forthrightly. Finally, the slow process of developing the self-honesty to face up to my circumstances has emerged.

I am divorced. And I am someday to be physically separated from the woman who is my ex-wife after having lived under her care for the duration of my dis-ease. She has extended herself well beyond the expected levels. We remain friends and still even love each other, though the stresses we've faced at times resulted in behaviors that would seem to indicate otherwise. It is now time for me to relieve her of the burden I have become and allow her life to flower as it will. This would be a far easier task had we some significant animosity toward one another, so in its absence, there will be tears and sadness to mark the final steps of disentanglement.

I retreated into my cave for a time. I did this out of pain and anguish, grieving my lost mobility and my crumbled marriage. I sought to respond to my challenges by denying them, hoping such an approach would go unnoticed, or at least be allowed in my case, as I haven't known how else to handle these things. This has been a time calling for solitary self-examination and reflection, but I still did not truly perceive the message of my illness.

I mourned, giving up on my life as I had envisioned it. Out of the ashes of that hoped-for existence is now emerging a new sense of the self that I am, stripped of the unnecessary, the fatuous and all but the essential aspects of my identity. I am leaner of purpose and unencumbered by expectations, both my own and those of others. I now anticipate a new life, one with limits. Yes, but also one with possibilities not previously apparent. For all my talk of the futility of resistance, here I am, having to acquiesce to the discomfort of present conditions as proof of that futility. I must find joy in what I can still accomplish rather than bemoan what is now beyond my grasp.

I recently looked my fears in the eye when, after a fall, I lost the use of my right hand. This was months ago, and I continued to fight and deny and resist. In spite of my fears, my body recovered - it was only some nerve damage in the right arm - but I still kept up my struggle to retain a previous self with all of its attributes. I began looking to find ways and means to return home to Houston and be among friends and family who could offer some support. The challenge of relocating is daunting, but I am determined that the move is in my best interests.

So, I now plan to return to a community of those who are willing to come to my aid if called upon. My financial resources are slim (I am contemplating bankruptcy) but my needs will hopefully be less than overwhelming once I am settled. The logistics of packing and moving what little I plan to take will require more than I can visualize handling, so I must consign some of that to fate and what help might present itself. Perhaps I get home with just the clothes on my back, my computer and some selected pieces of my artwork - with maybe a few books. If I can take the vehicle that is mine by agreement, I will do that. If not, I will sell it here.

I now release the idea that going home constitutes a failure. Going home instead represents the exercise of better judgement and a willingness to stand, metaphorically speaking, where I am. After more than a decade in the Northwest, I return to seek the opening of the next chapter in this life. I have had a good look at what exists here, and while I regret being unable to take greater advantage of what are arguably some rather spectacular natural features, I didn't miss them entirely. I was able to explore for the first few years that I was here. There are many things in Texas that I have yet to see, and possibly on the way there, I will have my opportunities to appreciate other aspects presented by this landscape.

I now release the idea that acquiescing to the end of my marriage was timid or cowardly. The time had come and the signs were numerous that we had reached the end of our path. She and I part ways sharing mutual respect and honest affection. The strain put on our union by my condition is simply too much to be borne indefinitely. A break has been inevitable and, as such things go, I wish this to be free of unnecessary pain and, in fact, be recognized in retrospect as a wise choice, jointly exercised by aware adults.

I now release the idea that bankruptcy is an unavoidable choice, or that in deciding to pursue such a course, I would seek the easy path to the absolution of my debts from a position of dishonor. I choose not to be pushed in this direction by fear. I will choose deliberately, with full awareness of consequences. I don't mind the imposition of limits on my expenditures, for I find that I am given what I need and my needs are not overwhelming.

And I am not without resources altogether, or the ability to generate value.

I now release the idea that my diagnosis imprisons me. My diagnosis of MS may simply be a way to embark on new pathways and directions as yet untried. Allopathic opinion seems to offer limited hope for improvement in my condition and symptom management with drugs, but other avenues exist and I will investigate them. I may not find the way out of this, but I can probably adapt and work within it.

I am now free in this life. I am freer than I was yesterday and happier than I've been in years, no matter my address, no matter my marital status, no matter my finances and no matter my diagnosis. I have a clearer view of my "job," and I'm no longer in danger of falling down. I know now my inner stamina, creative resources and intrinsic lovability, so there is no need to fear an unsteady stance. However I manage to be will be just fine and precisely what I need.