At the Precipice

10.05.30

I cannot deny what is - I stand facing both opportunity and an abyss. I am here, incredulous at my brave choice of words, for I cannot, in fact, stand well at all.

I have the chance to heal my ills or slip into a complacent acceptance of these unnatural limits. Much of what I used to do and enjoy in life is now beyond me, and I have yet to truly choose a new course. I make the effort to render my plight known and then surrender to the wisdom of the Universe, trusting that all that I am will re-constitute and coalesce into some useful form, that my existence will shape itself into meaning. I cling desperately to my past out of habit, even as I recognize the foolishness of this, and I grow to understand that my future will necessarily be different.

So now, in a more lucid moment, I long to be free of that past, for the good of my expansion. I really must free the captive self I still hold in these irons of a former way of being, complete with expectations and obligations of and to myself, as well as those foisted upon me by others. In order to move on, I must embrace my new set of conditions and seek to establish relevance for my life within them. I must be open to that which can yet be approached as a new, fresh and untested ground. I must open my soul to discover the untried characteristics that are within me.

There will be circumstances and scenarios fraught with discomfort as I immerse myself in the waters of strange. Familiar situations are no longer set to offer comfort and that is how expansion and newness in life are born: when events force us out of our safe and staid routines to face the raging unknown, comprehend it and befriend it, we expand our experience. I will now seek to re-invent myself under new operative terms, with new attitudes and new approaches to living. The old framework within which I held myself for 50+ years no longer serves as a viable structure for my self-image and so I now must evolve or leave my essence wallowing in a state of forlorn denial, cursing the state in which I find myself, unable to feel joy. I reject that retreat into despair in favor of a willingness to discover what I may yet create.

To that end, the universe brought to me a book and several CDs that deal with shamanism - that ancient approach to spirituality found in all cultures that values harmony, seeks healing and sees through direct revelation the bared essence of being within All That Is. I have taken to the information presented with enthusiasm, seeing in it a dovetail with the circumstances I am now living. The authors and contributors offer a picture of shamanism that has been elevated from the realms of superstition and black magic to a more properly understood spirituality that knows and reveres the forces and beings that reside within unseen dimensions, that believes that all things have life, spirit and consciousness and that holds that everything is energy or vibration at its core. In reciprocation, I have authored a review of the material, provided it to the publishers and posted it to this site. I've also included an excerpt of a short portion that really spoke to me.

This experience and exercise has offered me an expanded vision of myself, and an opportunity to have a greater compassion for myself in the challenges I face. Old views are set to die off and be supplanted by fresh perspectives, and this is as it should be. It has also caused me to truly see this physical universe in terms of being a manifestation of vibration, and in a way that all the intellectual discussions of the subject I've heard or participated in never could. The world that we casually take to be "real" is plastic, and subject to much in the way of "observer-paticipancy." It is not required that I share a point of view with anyone else; my perspective can be determined solely by the thoughts arising within my own mind. There are an infinite number of truths out there, and mine are ultimately as valid as any other's.

Another choice concept (actually a corollary to the above) that the shamanic material advanced (or reinforced) is that I can have either, a), whatever I want, or b), my story about why I can't have it, but I cannot have both. Perception does in fact dictate reality. I have known this for some time as an intellectualized notion, but for some reason, it now registers with authority. I had often heard it said that if you change your mind, you can change your experience, but never really took the time or made the effort to fully understand the implications. I am now beginning to appreciate the way in which this works. I have seen how, from one day to the next, I can experience satisfaction or depression, even though no significant circumstances have really changed for me except my attitude.

Thus, the precipice that I face is one which either leads to an abyss of unfathomable depth or a profound shift in my being, or perhaps both. The abyss is the place to which I would discard the mental constructs that are no longer useful, to be replaced by more current thinking. The profound shift is the opportunity which would present itself when I have relinquished these unnecessary thought patterns. I believe I can be restored should I leap from this perch. The weight would be lifted, and the baggage I have carried for years, no more.

Contemplative moments are now more frequent and allow me to ponder what thoughts and emotions are actually present in my current experience. I am more often able to simply be with the things that are. This is a skill I now practice, whenever I recall my intention, and I find it becoming easier to accomplish with repetition. It offers a peace not found in the acquisition of a thing wanted or the creation of a situation for which I had hoped. I know (am learning) the value of being present now.

An embrace of What Is Now provides me with a sense of propriety, of rightness, regarding my actions and engenders in me a willingness to explore my circumstances with fresh eyes. I have many abilities to effect changes all around me, or not, and can look at where I am at a given moment and decide, dispassionately, whether or not to take some particular action. There is no longer an urgency driving my decisions. Time is not running out nor is some critical period expiring. I move calmly, deliberately, to choose and act.

My personal history is now consigned to the depths of that abyss while the essence I retain undergoes the profound shift of which I spoke: I am calmer, more focused and more aware of my preferences, but at the same time, I am more detached and accepting of what may come. I am trying to let all that I told myself I was diminish in significance and fade, not as a sign of surrender, but as a sign of a growing equanimity. I am still the man I am; I have skills and talents, the uses of which continue to bring me pleasure and satisfaction. I simply no longer pin my identity on the things I have done. Each moment is best viewed as new rather than through the lens of past events.

I am living a "dismemberment" in order to be "re-membered" in a healthier manner; the patterns of thought that have long served me are no longer of benefit and so I adjust, shift and change, searching for a more appropriate configuration into which to settle. This is a slow transformation that I endure, inexorable and insistent. I am no longer whole and not yet remade, so at the moment, I wait, observing to see what may be next, and making small moves toward a possible future. I cannot know what will unfold, only anticipate intuitively, and I am learning to trust such inner guidance, as the path is not scripted. I see now that it never was so.

Thus, I choose to risk the promise of opportunity and live fearlessly the situation in which I find myself, casting the thoughts and feelings that have outlived their utility into that abyss and retaining the serenity that comes from such unburdening. I keep my awareness open to the things which touch me. I have leapt, and I know the promise of the changes for which I am asking. Everything must evolve, including my current circumstances, but I must make my peace with them as they are.