A Hail from the Crow's Nest:

09.07.31

Land, Ho!

I can now notice the early signs of land making their way into my awareness. By this metaphor I reference a steady progression toward the health I seek, like twigs and leaves carried by the waves, lapping against the hull of this sturdy vessel, my physicality manifest. It is not yet obvious how and when I shall walk again, but the fact that I shall is clearer than ever these days. The territory of health and my recovered mobility still lies beyond the current horizon, but the flotsam found in the surrounding waters gives the evidence of the impending encounter with the beach.

I find myself able again to exercise my legs and abs. While I experience weakness in these areas from disuse, my body remembers well the lifts, extensions, holds & compressions I used to perform with ease. I experience some disappointment at the weakness, but it's tempered by the satisfaction I get when observing incremental improvements in ability as I persevere. My body shows every sign that it will restore itself to full function with the intention I provide. It is only a matter of time.

I challenge my body with games of balance. I stand on two feet, using my toes to correct instability, in a place where I can catch myself if I fall. I achieve equilibrium, then I bend my knees slightly to lend flexibility to my stance. Next, I slowly lower and raise my body by bending the knees more deeply and then straightening them, striving to maintain my balance only with the legs: ankles, calves, thighs. I raise and lower myself 10-15 times, after which I rest. Developing this kind of control may eventually help me to walk with a cane again. In the future, I will pursue balancing on one foot at a time, a feat which thwarts me for now.

Mentally, I find myself uncovering more layers of mis-intended thinking. My years of schooling and then professional service lulled me into always seeking the security of approval. This means that, over the years, a subtle but insistent concern has grown that the thoughts of others be positive in regard to me, and matter even more than my own. I have also been disallowing myself the freedom to object to unsatisfactory circumstances, which can be seen also as an aspect of my concern over the opinions of others. I have exhibited a fear of failure and a consequent unwillingness to take risks in action, which has shown itself in the tendency to hesitate and second-guess my impulses. I have avoided any perception of judgement.

My body provided the clues to these things; spoken phrases describing my difficulties reveal much about the memes I've harbored and how my body has so faithfully acted them out. Thus, I have my concern over my standing with others (approval issues), my unwillingness to take a stand or commit (lacking self-acceptance or self-love), my sense that I can't stand on my own two feet (inadequacy, fear of failure), my disinclination to take steps (doubting my intentions) and my avoidance of stepping up to a challenge or standing for a trial (implications of success or failure and judgement). I have expressed this all before, but I feel it bears the repetition I give it here because these lessons are hard to incorporate and thereby supplant faulty notions.

Another epiphany I've had regards certain mental configurations I now recognize for the baggage they are, ways of thinking passed to successive generations and never fully examined. By watching my father, I adopted the notion that to be a stand-up guy meant embracing disappointments, whether personal or professional, in passivity and voicing no real complaint. In retrospect, I see that works poorly as a coping strategy and (again) concerns itself with the opinions of others . So I now renounce the notion of the "good man" in favor of the "authentic man" as a better standard to set for living my life. It comes with a full concern for my own emotions and psychological well-being, and the expectation that others will attend to theirs.

So, in celebration of my steps toward renewed mobility, I'm recounting the successes on this journey and documenting them here, some of them even as they occur. I've been away from this practice (tending to the website) while pursuing paying projects, but have rediscovered the impetus to account for myself in this way. I am ecstatic about reporting positive progress, no matter how slight, and assure visitors that future journal entries will cover subjects other than my health. The subject is just (naturally) a big issue for me, and I'm pleased to report that I have real optimism for the first time in several years about full recovery.

Some breakthroughs are physical, some are mental and emotional, but all signs are indicative of a trajectory of steady progress. The NRT Practitioner advising me is quick to make a point of urging me compare my current state with what I can recall of the past in order that I get a better perspective on the substance of my progress. My appointments have been lighter in tone, with more humor, and even the occasional "high five." Paul likes to stress that any time period in which I do a tiny little thing or have a small inclination that has been long absent should be cheered merely for the fact that it offers a glimpse of the outcome toward which I so diligently apply myself. These seemingly unremarkable actions are really the early harbingers of the recovery being built.

I am a passionate man, full of goodness and promise. It is an appreciation of the self that I am, a deep self-love that will lead me into and through this recovery. When I care, now I care with deep conviction, wearing my heart on my sleeve, much as I did in my youth. But I've relinquished any concern for issues beyond my control, reserving my energies for honing and tempering my thoughts to accept that within which I find myself. I've rediscovered the joy of humor and laughter and notice them more often with my re-tuned awareness. I look for the evidence couched in the events and circumstances surrounding me that there is meaning to be found in life and revel in my discovery of such.

I have always been a lover at my core, whether of humanity, of nature, of the unplumbed mystery and potential of the Universe, or simply, in a microcosm, of an individual woman companion and partner whose life I share. I have always been capable of showering my love upon another and am only now learning, of a necessity, to apply that ability toward myself. I am now better able to love without condition or expectation, and that frees me from so many of our cultural snares and entanglements. My being requires nothing more to be complete, nor does anything else in creation lack for wholeness, and love is the currency of this existence.

It is only natural for me, now, with a more unshakable grasp of my absolute appropriateness, to hold my being in absolute adoration and to blossom as I had always intended. It fills me with profound joy to bask in the rightness of being me, with all my quirks and idiosyncrasies, my odd habits and proclivities, my totally unique persona. I truly appreciate the man that I am and with that appreciation comes a knowing that everything is properly arranged for my life and that each moment unfolds with fresh potential. NOW is the true seat of my power and all that I can do, think or experience occurs in what someone once called the "spacious present." All things are possible.

This writing is a proclamation of the miracle of my being and the joy I take in the life I live. I shout the pleasure I take from all this into the winds that swirl around me to carry me forward. I try to greet each new moment with wonder that I can behold such majesty as the Universe reveals. I try to keep up with the flow that surrounds me and release those anchoring assumptions which keep me from advancing freely with the pulse of creation.

On this ship I am at once passenger, crew and lookout. From my perch in the crow's nest, I can see the brilliant future I have in store and can now navigate the waters that lead to it. I can be open to all the possibilities they present. I am within reach of the land I have sought, but I know it's only a temporary stop on this journey, albeit one now sorely needed, so I launch myself headlong onto the beach with a will to taste of experience, a thirst for more and a vow to unconditionally love all, come what may.