I Walk the Path of Toxic Remediation.

09.01.04

Toxicity in my body has held me down for the past month. Everything has been an effort. These holidays have presented some challenges, and mere daily activities have shown their rougher side. I have no choice but to pass through this period as I endeavor to give my physical being the needed relief from stress and the required nutrients for rebuilding.

Deliberate intention provides me with the impetus, if perhaps not the eagerness, to continue. These experiences are part of the life I have fashioned, and as such are instructive. I paraphrase the wisdom of a great teacher when I say, "the purpose of suffering is to learn how not to suffer." What I am learning will put the future health I so dearly desire into play - I need only be attentive to life's events & my thoughts, as both will point up the opportunities for improved conditions.

In my youth, I was rather cavalier about chemical exposure. My physical being now harbors many foreign elements, and the piper demands payment. I've been contaminated by photographic chemistry, heavy metals, solvents, plastics, inks, adhesives, catalysts and any number of chemical coatings as part of my involvement in the arts, not to mention the recreational drug use which accompanied the Bohemian lifestyle of the typical art student. All this was faithfully incorporated into my tissues by this body as it made what was available do for its needs. Poor nutrition often forced the use of sub-optimal components as my body strove to keep regenerated.

Rather than delve into the details of my present condition, I'm going to focus on the insights this situation has given me. This is the learning I signed up to undertake, and while I'm probably making it more difficult than it needs to be, I nonetheless see my own hand in the manifestation. It has been often said, "You create your own reality." I believe this. And I don't regard all this as a failing or a mistake - it's simply what I have chosen to offer as my contribution to "what is."

I see that if there's a thing I wish to do, I sometimes need patience. Things cannot always happen instantaneously, although sometimes they can happen quite fast. If I truly wish something, the Universe will arrange the possibility - I just have to be aware enough to see & grasp the circumstances. It happens all the time.

After months (if not years) of dwelling on the past & looking desperately to the future, I now find it easier to remain rooted in the present. I'm exhausted with the strain of trying to be where I am not. In trying to recover my mobility of the past, I pushed my body further into dysfunction with aggressive exercise, voluminous supplementation and unnecessary recriminations. In trying to get immediately to a future wherein my body is fit again, I forsook the present moment for a future that never arrives. I am learning to be here now.

I'm now more open to stopping to rest, to breaking the habit of frenetic action. The effort you see here falls outside of the grind of compelled behavior (as in commercial work) and actually provides some relief from it. "It'll keep," by which I mean to say that a given task will be available until I'm ready to tackle it. Or, it'll be otherwise addressed.

I have a fine perspective from which to assess my condition, and it dictates that I let go of what was & become open to what is, making way for what can be. My difficulties are not all physical and chemical, and while it would be beneficial to address those factors, there are surely deeper aspects to the situation.

The more destructive aspects of my toxicity are not just physical, but mental and emotional. Among my most important lessons is this: Self-talk is a powerful force for healing, but as well for creating sickness. I am now exorcising a great deal of negative self-talk which has had free reign within me for years. I am no longer inadequate, self-critical, cringing & fearful - I can now do many new things since adopting a more healthy attitude.

My psychic remediation begins with self-acceptance & grows into self-love and finally into an unconditional love of All That Is. All Is One, as has been so often said. When I rest my dissatisfactions and surrender to being, without pre-conditions, I am so much better able to embrace that within which I find myself. And I'm so much better able to find myself.

I've harbored this feeling of inadequacy for much of my life. It was something I perceived as coming from others and mistakenly built into my daily thoughts. I see now that it was actually my own decision to embrace such nonsense.

In a futile search for acceptance from exterior sources, I denied my gifts, squelched my desires, and looked outside myself for a proper stance to take in this life. The toxic habit of telling myself that I "couldn't stand on my own 2 feet" has now actually manifested in an inability to walk, or even balance while standing. So now my goal is to re-seed the confidence I had at birth, but gave away over my early years. I here & now affirm who I know myself to be and celebrate those characteristics within myself of which I am fond.

I'll start with that to which I'm drawn, those things that inspire me, intrigue me and bring me joy to contemplate.

I have always been acutely aware of "number," with a natural grasp of and facility for mathematics. I take pleasure in the use of such skills as I construct or design various visual arrangements within the virtual environments of computer programs. So do I declare that I am proficient in math, even gifted.

My interest in technology led me first to photography, then printmaking and finally into working with graphical computer applications. I take profound pleasure in constructing forms in virtual space, complete with virtual lighting, virtual cameras and virtual surfaces. I take similar pleasure in the manipulation of raster-based images to offer the viewer more than, or differences from, what was originally present in the image. Thus I also declare myself to be an accomplished digital painter, sculptor, & architect.

I have long been fascinated by space exploration and inspired by science fiction. I believe we are far from alone in the fabric of creation. I anticipate in the future that we will come to know this in concrete terms. In the meantime, I enjoy visually suggesting possible forms for our "brethren" to make themselves known to us. I declare myself to be a visionary and a dreamer.

Likewise, I have a strong affinity for metaphysics, the "paranormal," and fantasy. I firmly embrace the reality of the "multidimensional" universe and the plasticity of our experience. I believe in magic, insofar as mundane reality is susceptible to the wondrous surprises of the extraordinary. I declare that my mind is open to many possibilities.

My namesake derives from "steward," and, as I see it, that means a steward of our resources, of this planet, of our biosphere. I will always look toward preserving the natural environment, while yet creating a balance between it & our technological environment. I declare my love for this world, in all its beauty and all its terror, and my strong belief in the importance of all things.

And, of course, balance plays a pronounced role in my life (I am a Libra). I see the other point of view, join the side of the underrepresented, and seek to forge consensus where there is discord. I believe in a reality wherein all is permitted, encouraged and blessed. The Universe is so exquisitely balanced that there's room for everything. I declare that I have faith in the way things are as the way they are most appropriate.